Is Oliver’s Life in Rouen? (OS038)

Still here in France and I’ve been meaning to ring my mother to explain why I’m her and with whom. I thought it’s best to ring as I don’t want her to worry. It’s just everything is going to take some explanation. So, I planned exactly what I would say. I paused over the call button but went ahead.

“Hi Mum, I’m in France with Pam my lodger. We are concerned about Mal Evolent and decided to stay out of the house for a while as Pam was very nervous about returning home. Long story but in an effort to stay clear of Mal for an indeterminable period of time we ended up going to France. We are going to return to England but in the meantime, there was an ‘event’. Police arrived to arrest him for cybercrime.  Now I’m concerned about coming back because the police might think I’m  involved.”

There was a short period of silence then Mum answered:

“Right … I’m back from Crete now and will go round to your house and see what’s happening.  Anyway, I’ve got to go, somebody is at the door.”

“Well, that went better than expected.” I exclaimed.

“It’s ‘The Secret’ Oliver” said Pam, the film we watched last week. You’re attracting better things now….. It’s a shame we can’t drive back to see your house. Some years ago, we could have driven back to your house when the UK was joined to Europe by dry land, called Doggerland.”

“You’re joking. When was this?”

“Oh about 6000 years ago.”

“I think that was before VW campervans, cybercrime and dodgy lodgers who would blow your house up. Simpler life. Sounds great.”

“Yes, you’d live in a cave but you’d be long gone now, Mr Mesolithic man. “


We took Camile, our adopted dog, to the vets and she was given a clean bill of health just worming and de fleeing.

Amazingly, the vet had seen Camile before and knew the owner. He was pleased that we had adopted her, as her owner was stressing about her. He promised to call in the care home and let him know the good news. Pam, took the owners address and promised to send photos.

“That’s amazing. What’s the chance of the vet knowing Camile” I commented on leaving the vets.

“The Secret,” said Pam

Things were looking better and we decided to move on to Rouen which looked amazing on the internet. We weren’t disappointed. Obviously, a prosperous city with opulent medieval buildings round a cobbled square. Pam convinced me to visit the cathedral. It was awesome, looking like it took hundreds of years to build. The inside was vast, so calming. I could have stayed hours. Other visitors were in awe, spoke quietly and spoke in respectfully quiet voices. There was something very special about it.

We stayed on a campsite not too far from Rouen. I think Camile was pleased to get out of the city.

It was lunchtime and Pam decided we should eat more healthily. Astonishingly, she pulled a Kenwood smoothy maker from her Mary Poppins bag.

“I’m going to make us a smoothy with apple juice, kiwi and kale.” she stated.

“Anything but kale.” I protested.

“It’s really good for you.”

“No way.”

Pam was softening. “I’ll just put a bit in. it’s an important anti-inflammatory.”

“It’s not working, we’re arguing about it.”

Pam ignored my protest and stated “You eat too much processed meat. I expect you’ve got an issue with free radicals.”

“Are you talking about environmental protesters again? I agree that they have a good point and should be allowed to protest without being locked up as long as they don’t block roads and stuff. Actually, this professor or someone was on the TV the other day saying that the UK can do everything we can to prevent global warning but it’s the other countries. Some of them are going through like the industrial revolution we went through, where we pumped out loads of pollution and they think, why should be held back? So, what is the answer? Invest in science. Give other countries green technology.”

“Good talk Oliver. Let’s talk about that sometime but at the moment I’m talking nutrition not politics. You need more antioxidants, green vegetables.”

“Not Kale again. Anyway, I’m not oxidising. I’m not metal you know, no rust in sight.”

“Oliver, shut up. If I didn’t know that you have no sense of humour I’d think you were trying to be funny. You know less about nutrition than Camile.”

Still calm after the visit to the cathedral, I relented and drank the smoothy medicine. Actually, I couldn’t even taste the Kale. It wasn’t half bad.

I don’t mind eating healthily as long as it tastes good.

“Win, win.” scoffed Pam.

Read Oliver’s short story about his life before blogging.

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